Jessica's Journal

Subject:	Everyone's got their share of battlescars
Time:	3:03 pm.
Mood:	annoyed.

A few months ago, I was listening to a girl I know talk about her future wedding. She rattled off details of the things she imagined she'd like ... a white dress, a sit-down dinner, and a big black-tie event. She never said it, but it was implied her parents could and would pay for it when the time came. In that moment, I was so jealous.

I've never had such luxuries. I took out a ridiculous amount of loans on the hope and prayer that I'd be able to pay them back one day. Since about 15, I pretty much paid for everything myself. My grandparents helped when they could, but most of the time, it was all me.

And here I am again.

In this day and age, I realize that it's not always expected that the bride's family shoulder the burden of a wedding, especially a nice wedding, all by themselves. But, at least in my social circles, it's expected that the bride's family at least help out. Contribute something.

Joe and I have talked about this, and I've pretty much let him know where they stand ... He's kind and he wants me to have everything I want on our special day. It's early, but we've pretty much decided we will figure out a way to pay for it ourselves.

But even with that, I feel guilty. Is it fair to put that burden all on a 26-year-old guy? Shouldn't someone else be doing this for me? For us? Like *cough, cough* my parents. You know, the nonexistent ones who pretty much haven't done anything for the better part of my life?

Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, but right now I'm just sad. And pissed.

It's not that I think I am owed some outrageously elaborate and expensive event. But it would be nice if, as like pretty much everyone decent I know, I didn't have to deal with this all by myself.

I call my Mammaw and bitch to her about it because noone else in the world understands, and even if they did, I'd be too embarrassed to talk to them about it. And then I feel guilty because at 86 she is just as helpless as I am but wants more than anything for me to be happy.

I was brought up to believe that people of less means can be just as good as the wealthy. And I still believe this. But I also think that if you have kids, you owe them certain things and a certain life. And crude as it sounds, those things cost money along the way. If you can't have a proper job and afford these things, don't have kids in the first place.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	I am not happy glowy people
Time:	1:25 am.
Mood:	aggravated.

I hate September. I always hate September. There is no significance to it -- no distinctive season change, no major holidays, it's in that crappy abyss between the easygoing afternoons of summer and the start of the holiday season (I'm one of those freaks who starts celebrating Oct. 1). It is boring and stupid and too long and I hate it. The only redeeming thing about September is it is 30 days instead of 31, but that is still 30 days too long. I hate September.

I especially hate this September because it is month 1 of 2 that my boyfriend is gone. Not far enough in to even say we're past the hump.

Weekends are boring. Nights are lonely. Everything is too quiet. It's funny how someone who lives four hours away can still be an integral part of daily life. I miss my boyfriend.

Did I mention I hate September?

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Subject:	Circles
Time:	11:54 pm.
Music:	Lou Rawls -- "Willow Weep For Me".

Practicing journalism is a warm, familiar, cozy blanket right out of the dryer.

This semester, as a prerequisite to teaching my own section, I am shadowing an undergraduate newswriting class. It gives me an odd sense of deja vu ... a mixture of bittersweet nostalgia and excitement at revisiting this old friend.

I'm pretty confident that I'm alright, even slightly good at academic writing and research. But journalism ... I know I have a gift. And I miss using it. I watch these green college sophomores with knowingness and envy. I'm glad for my path, but there there is a part of me that misses those days. College newspaper, my old friends, working late deadlines, being one-half of a photographer-reporter duo. It says a lot about human emotion that you can long for something and never want to go back all at the same time.

In the lab portion, I found myself the other day watching the interaction between this tall, lanky boy and who I assume to be his reporter girlfriend. It didn't occur to me until later, but I felt a pang of sadness at this, as it reminded me of myself and my college boyfriend several years ago. It brought back memories that have been long pushed aside: staying out at UTA all night for an article, eating dinners in my office as editor, being asked out in the middle of the newsroom. Just a pang, but enough to leave me feeling kind of melancholy.

Life is funny in how you cross paths with people and things, go separate ways, and sometimes find yourself looping back around again. I hope that this is the beginning to revisiting my old friend journalism more often. For the purpose of remembering happy memories and hopefully making some new ones.

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Subject:	Cabinets
Time:	8:51 pm.

Brandon's family has this dog, my baby dog. Gawd, I miss that dog ...

Anyway, she's this miniature pom ... so small and puffy. And even though she adores attention, she often would be reclusive and fall asleep on the linoleum or curl up in a ball in her cabinet.

I think I'm a lot like Baby Dog sometimes.

This summer I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend because he's new and I love him and he was about to go to the MIddle East for two months. We commuted back and forth. That's kind of exhausting. I took two 8 a.m. math classes concurrently. That was pretty exhausting. And then there's just me.

Sometime, like Baby Dog, I just like to be reclusive. Turn off my phone, curl up in my cabinet, and go to sleep. It's how I recuperate. It's how I rest my brain.

Unfortunately, this does not lend itself very well to having friends. At least not girlfriends. I didn't go out a lot. I didn't answer my phone a lot. It wasn't personal. Sometimes, just the way I am, I just need space and time. Not from friends. Just from everyone. Call it relaxation ... bipolar ... whatever. It's just the way I function and preserve my sanity.

So now my girlfriends aren't very pleased with me.

I don't have a lot of girlfriends by the way. I lost my best one earlier this year. I'm not sure if that's my fault or hers. I'd like to preserve the relationships I do have. I'd like to have bridesmaids at my wedding.

I dunno ... I just don't do the drama thing. And, in my experience, girls tend to be very dramatic. And unforgiving. And like ... bitchy. It turns me off and makes me want to withdraw even more.

I have a bad track record with female friends. Maybe I just don't know how to do the girlfriend thing. I'm starting to get a complex.

Maybe I should just get a dog ... probably a male one.

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Subject:	School
Time:	4:01 pm.
Mood:	excited.
Music:	Joe playing some stupid game.

I'm so excited about love, this year, life. FINALLY ... it feels like everything is before me.

After the drudgery of the required first-year, break 'em in classes, I'm free. I'm taking a hodgepodge of Jessica-picked, interesting courses: Evolutionary Psych, Multivariate Statistics (my last required stats class), Media Effects, and a readings course on Sex and Media with my College of Communications hero.

I'm also starting on the path to teaching. After somehow finagling my way into shadowing for J2100 (Newswriting) for fall, I will teach my own section in spring. I'm also stoked about the chance to shadow a woman who was hired by Sam Donaldson to work for ABC News and another with Texas roots.

I'm under no illusions that this will be an easy year. Looking at my schedule, I know it will be harder than last. But it will finally be relevant work. The work I've worked so hard to get to.

My boyfriend is also leaving for two months. It's funny: I swore I'd never date a military guy for that reason. Actually, for a lot of reasons. But life never works out like you plan it. And I love him.

I'm reading a book, right now. I'm at a part that takes place during the Christmas season, and it's making me excited. I'm looking forward to the leaves changing, the first chilly wind in October, the smell of chimneys. Puerta Vallarta in November. And Christmas and Thanksgiving at home. I'm already there.

And seeing Joe again though he hasn't even left yet.

Life is good. And I'm feeling excitement deep down in my bones for everything that is about to happen.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Nothing really interesting to say, but I wanna write ...
Time:	7:10 pm.

So, I'm waiting on S. at LaKota to study for our Regression final. It's tomorrow, followed by ANOVA on Friday. Le sigh of relief. I'm so ready to be done with numbers for a while. The Wallflowers are playing a free concert tonight, so downtown is buzzing. Gotta love Columbia. I wish I could go, but studying must be done ...

It has been a long summer, it seems. I would have liked to have done more research ... but truthfully stats and recuperating got in the way. I'm sort of OK with that, though.

I talked to Andy last night, which was refreshing. The first time in a while to talk to an old friend from home. We discussed some stuff that has gone on this year ... mostly the loss of other old friends. And our conversation actually helped really validate some feelings I've had. It was nice ... I've decided that this year I've rid myself of some toxic people. And like getting rid of a snakebite, it hurts for a little while, but once all the venom is gone, you feel a lot better.

I used to have some friends who I didn't realize were pretty shitty. And I suspect some things ...

And now I don't, and I'm really OK with that.

So now S. is here. Time to do numbers ... boooo ...

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Subject:	On with the show ...
Time:	1:48 am.

Well, I returned from my brief trip to Texas late last night. The service for Joe's grandfather was beautiful. He gave a eulogy, which I helped him with, and dressed in his uniform so that he could present a flag to his grandmother. He was so handsome and I was so proud of him.

I didn't expect it, but his family asked me to sit with them at the funeral and to ride in the family limo. His family is amazing ... seriously sweet people. I dunno ... particularly with my bleak family situation, it meant a lot to me. I felt honored to be asked, and I was glad I could be there for Joe.

His Mammaw is trying to marry us off already. She took me aside and asked me if, assuming we got married, I would use her wedding ring. We're not quite there yet, and I tried to make that clear ... but I again felt honored that she'd think enough of me.

Truly, it was one of the most meaningful experiences I've had.

I sure do love that boy.

I also watched fireworks for the first time without wanting to puke or cry. Loving someone (and a few long island iced teas) makes you stronger ...

One more week left of school. I have a makeup exam from the days that I missed ... send me good vibes. Regardless, missing class was well worth it.

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Subject:	If I was smart, I'd be sleeping ...
Time:	12:51 am.

Morning will come too soon ...

So, this summer I've been taking two concurrent 8-week stats courses. Totally out of my comfort zone, but at least three are necessary for my degree. I initially only signed up for one, but my uber-brilliant, Fullbright scholar friend Saleem urged me to take both with him ... so, we're braving it together. I survived my first round of exams, and tomorrow begins the second round. Finals in two weeks. If I get through this, I will have gotten over a huge mental hurdle in this whole Ph.D. school thing. Perhaps being a quantitative researcher and being scared of numbers wasn't smart ... but I'm slowly overcoming that. Slowly being the key word.

After my exam, I have to fly to Texas. My boyfriend's grandfather passed away, so I'm doing the moral support thing. Joe's family is amazing ... and he's pretty freaking perfect. For me at least. I love his arms and the way I can sleep all night on his shoulder without him moving. He's just this really great guy, and I finally feel so lucky. So blessed.

Anyway ...

Have done a lot of traveling lately. Did Cozumel in March for Spring Break. Went to Chicago for a conference and visited home in May. Then went to Annapolis, Maryland, and went sailing with Joe's family. They have a condo there on the Chesapeake Bay ... beautiful. Planning on taking a trip to Aspen with Joe in mid-August before the fall semester starts up. I can't wait to show him its beauty and introduce him to Free Wine Fridays. Also intend to get back home and to Lubbock for a few days, too, before summer is over ...

I really don't have much to complain about. I'm tired today from exam prep, and I'm freaking out about my ANOVA exam on Tuesday ... but in general, life is good. Great, really. Funny how it's hard to find things to say when you're happy.

Lately, everything seems to make sense. Being in a good place is well, you know ... good.

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Subject:	Things I Cannot Change ...
Time:	12:30 am.
Mood:	drained.

I don't come home a lot. Partly because I'm busy and cant, and partly because it's emotionally draining. In Columbia, all bad things are out of sight, mostly out of mind.

So coming home is hard. I write this entry every time I have to do it.

Sometimes I think I don't always deal with things when they happen because I'm trying to get through life, only to fall apart (so to speak) much later, long after everything is said and done.

Let me preface this: I'm all in love. In the giggly, sick at your stomach yet comfortable, know in your gut kind of way. I'm happy. This year, for one of the first times in my life, I've been really happy. I have this amazing, cute, intelligent, funny guy who makes me smile and who I'm sure about.

That being said:

When I left here, I left a complicated, drawn out relationship. We were together, more less, for four years. That's a long time. Some people aren't even married that long. By the end of it, we were both exhausted, we both said a lot of things, I did my normal crazy Jessica breakup shit, and he wasn't a much classier person. And then I moved to Columbia and it was over.

I haven't looked back a lot.

But in doing so, I'm not sure I ever really grieved that.

So, when I come home, and I see our old friends and I hear about him, I get weird and melancholy. The truth at the heart of it is ... he was a fabulous person. Otherwise I would not have stayed with him that long. But I still have a lot of feelings of anger and sadness and whatnot that I have just not let go of yet. I guess I haven't had time.

And it didn't help that a lot of our friends took sides. Mostly his. And truthfully, I think he played up the whole sympathy thing. That's just my interpretation. When, in fact, he broke up with me. Gave me an ultimatum. I chose not to take an ultimatum. I don't do that.

It was the right decision.

But, I'm still angry. And I'm still hurt. And I hate how boys just move on and never look back. I hate how people in general can do that. I feel too much.

I'm over him, but I'm not over it.

Truth be told, I was probably not the best girlfriend. I have some guilt about that. I wish I could say I was sorry.

And that's mixed in with a lot of mad.

And there's just nowhere to put it. No box to put it in. Noone to direct it at. What do I do with these feelings?

Thank God I'm leaving tomorrow.

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Subject:	Hindsight
Time:	12:36 am.
Mood:	accomplished.

A year ago this week, I made the decision to go to Missouri for my Ph.D. I wrote this:

Next year ...
I decided today that I'm going to go to Missouri next year. The last few weeks ... months ... have been some of the most agonizing of my life. Logically I feel like this is the right decision, and though I'm a bit overemotional and likely not thinking clearly, I believe it's the best choice. I really hope it is. I'm totally scared I won't be good enough, strong enough, or whatever else enough that I need to be.

I feel a little nauseous with little slivers of hopeful. I hope the relief and excitement become more prevalent very soon. I hope I can handle this, that it will help me grow, and that it will end with bigger and better options later on in life.

Current Mood: overwhelmed

I knew then that I was making a decision that would obviously change my life, but I had no idea how. I wasn't lying ... it truly was a decision that weighted on me heavily. It meant leaving behind my home, the things I knew, comfort, a relationship ... I remember the feelings rushing through me the night I wrote that entry. I really was in a petrified state -- and I found out later that a lot of my friends were really worried about me as I went through the decision process.

With the past year, behind me, though, at a place where I can see how it all worked out, I can say how glad I am that I made the decision I did. It has changed my life in ways I never really knew possible, brought me friends that I did not expect, and put me in a place where I would fall in love. Don't get me wrong -- Ph.D. school is exhausting, and it kicks my ass every day. I can safely say that, as one of my friends put it today, I think about leaving grad school from time to time. I think everyone does as they are going through it -- we all have bad days. But all in all, it was the best decision for me, and even if I found out today that for some reason I couldn't finish, I would still be glad I made the decision I did. It changed my life, and it changed me. I am happy with myself ... truly happy ... for probably the first time in my life. Being here has been good for my soul.

I've thought a lot recently about how there was a time when I really wanted to, as Dave Matthews put it "break out all the windows and set fire to this life... change everything around into colors bold and bright." Yeah, I know it's kind of cheesy to say, but I feel like finally, I kind of did. Life is no longer grey.

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Subject:	"Love Bubble"
Time:	12:12 am.
Mood:	nostalgic.

I don't write a lot when I'm happy. It's because I'm too busy being happy. I'm really happy lately.

My friend Min said that I'm in a "love bubble." It's true. I haven't felt this way in a really long time ... perhaps not ever. My boyfriend is amazing, and I seem to discover something else I love about him every day.

The funny thing is that we first crossed paths five years ago. I looked through some of my old diaries today, which had been packed away in a box, to see if I could find anything about him. When I fiiiirssst met him, I had an itty bitty crush that bloomed into a friendship, and now ... this. Five years ago, I wrote this:

2/17/04

"And now the good stuff ... There's this guy (famous last words) in my Spanish class -- Joe. We went out to dinner last night ... but I'm not really sure if it was a date (originally it was supposed to be a group activity). But it seemed to take on the characteristics of a date. So ... i don't know. It made me radiate giddiness ... I couldn't help it ... "

From there I went on to obsess over whether or not it was a date and over how cute and nice he was (even then). Anyway, a) I obviously was so blissfully 19 and b) it's funny how life turns out.

Oh, also c) It's cool to keep diaries throughout your life. You never know how much they will be interesting to look back on.

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Subject:	Drink to all we have lost
Time:	2:53 pm.
Mood:	calm.

I talk a lot about how much I love it here. I know it must be rather annoying -- but I think you have to understand how unhappy I was before to fully appreciate how amazing I find this place to be. I just have this overwhelming feeling -- something that I felt the first time I set foot on this campus last year for a visit -- that I fit here. It's kind of like falling in love with "the one."

Before, when people would talk about the "good old college days" and how they were the golden years, I thought time had created nostalgia for them. But seriously, I understand those people now. Missouri is this very special place for me, and I think I'll be one of those people when I graduate.

This semester is going to have some crazy moments. Especially when I have a dissertation proposal due at the end of it all. But I will be 1/3 of the way to being a doctor.

And I've found people who I can conceive of as being outside committee members already. Likely inside members. I'm working for a great person. I feel like progress is being made. Like this might actually happen.

There were people in my life who absolutely did not want me to come here. Couldn't understand why I'd want to. Told me that I was being unrealistic and wanted an unobtainable "Sex and the City" life.

I never wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw. I wanted to be Jessica Freeman and love myself and my job and my life. And I do now, thank you very much. So they were wrong. Very wrong. It isn't idealistic. It's very possible. And it's happening for me. How dare you not believe in me.

People who could not understand that concept then ... I wonder if they'd get it now. I think it went deeper than the issue. I think it was a conflict of very deep-rooted life philosophies that likely could not be resolved. And even had circumstances had been different, I think those conflicts would have shown up again and again.

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Subject:	But I foresee the dark ahead if I stay ...
Time:	10:12 pm.

When I was in high school and visited Missouri for the first time on a band trip, I hated it. I remember thinking I'd never live there ... Granted, I was in Branson -- and it sucked. A lot. But, still, it's funny how life changes.

I was in a crappy mood when I left Kansas. Not because of Kansas. I love Kansas because it's where my Joe lives. More because I spent the weekend in Tejas ... and I think it rubbed off on me. It took me a good three days to not feel crabby the last time I left Texas.

I realize now that I hate it there. Really. I hate it. I want very little to nothing to do with Texas. I will always love my home and my family. But there are too many things (and people) that I don't like there. Remember that song "All My Exes Live in Texas?" Yeah. Well, there you go.

But, an amazing thing happened somewhere near the Missouri border. Well, two things: 1) I realized I can drive from Texas to Missouri and not die. That may sound like a small feat, but it is ginormous if you know me. 2) I felt content and ... home as I crossed over into Missouri. When I passed the university and saw the dome, I smiled a big stupid smile. I am happy here. I am really, really happy here. And I'm so happy to be home.

I think part of the big reason being in Texas was hard for me was because I don't really know where I fit there anymore. But here ... even though I haven't lived here very long ... somehow I get it. And it gets me.

I was terrified of boing back to school last night. Pre-semester anxiety, I call it. But, you know, I'm looking forward to it. Granted, paper writing and stress kind of sucks. But the good outweighed the bad. And, I'm anticipating and hoping it will again this time around, too.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	OK ...
Time:	8:54 pm.
Mood:	apathetic.
Music:	jazz.

Well, I'm kinda sorry I said that. Kind of. Not totally.

In other news ... I'm in Kansas. It turns out I can drive and not kill people.

I like dressing boys. I also like Buckle. A LOT.

I also like my boyfriend. A LOT.

I now own an I <3 NY shirt. Cheesy, yes. Awesome, yes.

One more week of sweet, sweet school-free freedom.

Turns out, Tuesdays and Thursdays will suck majorly this semester. However, I have MWF free. From classes, at least.

I hope I make it through the Ph.D. program. It is pretty cool.

Life is weird. I miss something. I'm not sure what. Just ... something. Maybe it's just the idea of home. And a sense of familiarity that doesn't suck ass.

I'm reading a book called "Kabul Beauty School." If I lived in Afghanistan, my life as a woman would suck a lot more.

One day, when I grow up, I wanna live in a two-story house with an oversized bathtub and a library with a window seat that glows orange at the end of the afternoon. I want to get married in a big cathedral-style church with a cathedral-style gown and have a reception at a place with amazing food, a live band and a view. I want to travel and see EVERYTHING. These things I allow myself to dream these days. That is an advancement over this time last year.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

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