Jessica's Journal

Subject:	Things I Cannot Change ...
Time:	12:30 am.
Mood:	drained.

I don't come home a lot. Partly because I'm busy and cant, and partly because it's emotionally draining. In Columbia, all bad things are out of sight, mostly out of mind.

So coming home is hard. I write this entry every time I have to do it.

Sometimes I think I don't always deal with things when they happen because I'm trying to get through life, only to fall apart (so to speak) much later, long after everything is said and done.

Let me preface this: I'm all in love. In the giggly, sick at your stomach yet comfortable, know in your gut kind of way. I'm happy. This year, for one of the first times in my life, I've been really happy. I have this amazing, cute, intelligent, funny guy who makes me smile and who I'm sure about.

That being said:

When I left here, I left a complicated, drawn out relationship. We were together, more less, for four years. That's a long time. Some people aren't even married that long. By the end of it, we were both exhausted, we both said a lot of things, I did my normal crazy Jessica breakup shit, and he wasn't a much classier person. And then I moved to Columbia and it was over.

I haven't looked back a lot.

But in doing so, I'm not sure I ever really grieved that.

So, when I come home, and I see our old friends and I hear about him, I get weird and melancholy. The truth at the heart of it is ... he was a fabulous person. Otherwise I would not have stayed with him that long. But I still have a lot of feelings of anger and sadness and whatnot that I have just not let go of yet. I guess I haven't had time.

And it didn't help that a lot of our friends took sides. Mostly his. And truthfully, I think he played up the whole sympathy thing. That's just my interpretation. When, in fact, he broke up with me. Gave me an ultimatum. I chose not to take an ultimatum. I don't do that.

It was the right decision.

But, I'm still angry. And I'm still hurt. And I hate how boys just move on and never look back. I hate how people in general can do that. I feel too much.

I'm over him, but I'm not over it.

Truth be told, I was probably not the best girlfriend. I have some guilt about that. I wish I could say I was sorry.

And that's mixed in with a lot of mad.

And there's just nowhere to put it. No box to put it in. Noone to direct it at. What do I do with these feelings?

Thank God I'm leaving tomorrow.

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Subject:	Hindsight
Time:	12:36 am.
Mood:	accomplished.

A year ago this week, I made the decision to go to Missouri for my Ph.D. I wrote this:

Next year ...
I decided today that I'm going to go to Missouri next year. The last few weeks ... months ... have been some of the most agonizing of my life. Logically I feel like this is the right decision, and though I'm a bit overemotional and likely not thinking clearly, I believe it's the best choice. I really hope it is. I'm totally scared I won't be good enough, strong enough, or whatever else enough that I need to be.

I feel a little nauseous with little slivers of hopeful. I hope the relief and excitement become more prevalent very soon. I hope I can handle this, that it will help me grow, and that it will end with bigger and better options later on in life.

Current Mood: overwhelmed

I knew then that I was making a decision that would obviously change my life, but I had no idea how. I wasn't lying ... it truly was a decision that weighted on me heavily. It meant leaving behind my home, the things I knew, comfort, a relationship ... I remember the feelings rushing through me the night I wrote that entry. I really was in a petrified state -- and I found out later that a lot of my friends were really worried about me as I went through the decision process.

With the past year, behind me, though, at a place where I can see how it all worked out, I can say how glad I am that I made the decision I did. It has changed my life in ways I never really knew possible, brought me friends that I did not expect, and put me in a place where I would fall in love. Don't get me wrong -- Ph.D. school is exhausting, and it kicks my ass every day. I can safely say that, as one of my friends put it today, I think about leaving grad school from time to time. I think everyone does as they are going through it -- we all have bad days. But all in all, it was the best decision for me, and even if I found out today that for some reason I couldn't finish, I would still be glad I made the decision I did. It changed my life, and it changed me. I am happy with myself ... truly happy ... for probably the first time in my life. Being here has been good for my soul.

I've thought a lot recently about how there was a time when I really wanted to, as Dave Matthews put it "break out all the windows and set fire to this life... change everything around into colors bold and bright." Yeah, I know it's kind of cheesy to say, but I feel like finally, I kind of did. Life is no longer grey.

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Subject:	"Love Bubble"
Time:	12:12 am.
Mood:	nostalgic.

I don't write a lot when I'm happy. It's because I'm too busy being happy. I'm really happy lately.

My friend Min said that I'm in a "love bubble." It's true. I haven't felt this way in a really long time ... perhaps not ever. My boyfriend is amazing, and I seem to discover something else I love about him every day.

The funny thing is that we first crossed paths five years ago. I looked through some of my old diaries today, which had been packed away in a box, to see if I could find anything about him. When I fiiiirssst met him, I had an itty bitty crush that bloomed into a friendship, and now ... this. Five years ago, I wrote this:

2/17/04

"And now the good stuff ... There's this guy (famous last words) in my Spanish class -- Joe. We went out to dinner last night ... but I'm not really sure if it was a date (originally it was supposed to be a group activity). But it seemed to take on the characteristics of a date. So ... i don't know. It made me radiate giddiness ... I couldn't help it ... "

From there I went on to obsess over whether or not it was a date and over how cute and nice he was (even then). Anyway, a) I obviously was so blissfully 19 and b) it's funny how life turns out.

Oh, also c) It's cool to keep diaries throughout your life. You never know how much they will be interesting to look back on.

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Subject:	Drink to all we have lost
Time:	2:53 pm.
Mood:	calm.

I talk a lot about how much I love it here. I know it must be rather annoying -- but I think you have to understand how unhappy I was before to fully appreciate how amazing I find this place to be. I just have this overwhelming feeling -- something that I felt the first time I set foot on this campus last year for a visit -- that I fit here. It's kind of like falling in love with "the one."

Before, when people would talk about the "good old college days" and how they were the golden years, I thought time had created nostalgia for them. But seriously, I understand those people now. Missouri is this very special place for me, and I think I'll be one of those people when I graduate.

This semester is going to have some crazy moments. Especially when I have a dissertation proposal due at the end of it all. But I will be 1/3 of the way to being a doctor.

And I've found people who I can conceive of as being outside committee members already. Likely inside members. I'm working for a great person. I feel like progress is being made. Like this might actually happen.

There were people in my life who absolutely did not want me to come here. Couldn't understand why I'd want to. Told me that I was being unrealistic and wanted an unobtainable "Sex and the City" life.

I never wanted to be Carrie Bradshaw. I wanted to be Jessica Freeman and love myself and my job and my life. And I do now, thank you very much. So they were wrong. Very wrong. It isn't idealistic. It's very possible. And it's happening for me. How dare you not believe in me.

People who could not understand that concept then ... I wonder if they'd get it now. I think it went deeper than the issue. I think it was a conflict of very deep-rooted life philosophies that likely could not be resolved. And even had circumstances had been different, I think those conflicts would have shown up again and again.

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Subject:	But I foresee the dark ahead if I stay ...
Time:	10:12 pm.

When I was in high school and visited Missouri for the first time on a band trip, I hated it. I remember thinking I'd never live there ... Granted, I was in Branson -- and it sucked. A lot. But, still, it's funny how life changes.

I was in a crappy mood when I left Kansas. Not because of Kansas. I love Kansas because it's where my Joe lives. More because I spent the weekend in Tejas ... and I think it rubbed off on me. It took me a good three days to not feel crabby the last time I left Texas.

I realize now that I hate it there. Really. I hate it. I want very little to nothing to do with Texas. I will always love my home and my family. But there are too many things (and people) that I don't like there. Remember that song "All My Exes Live in Texas?" Yeah. Well, there you go.

But, an amazing thing happened somewhere near the Missouri border. Well, two things: 1) I realized I can drive from Texas to Missouri and not die. That may sound like a small feat, but it is ginormous if you know me. 2) I felt content and ... home as I crossed over into Missouri. When I passed the university and saw the dome, I smiled a big stupid smile. I am happy here. I am really, really happy here. And I'm so happy to be home.

I think part of the big reason being in Texas was hard for me was because I don't really know where I fit there anymore. But here ... even though I haven't lived here very long ... somehow I get it. And it gets me.

I was terrified of boing back to school last night. Pre-semester anxiety, I call it. But, you know, I'm looking forward to it. Granted, paper writing and stress kind of sucks. But the good outweighed the bad. And, I'm anticipating and hoping it will again this time around, too.

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Subject:	OK ...
Time:	8:54 pm.
Mood:	apathetic.
Music:	jazz.

Well, I'm kinda sorry I said that. Kind of. Not totally.

In other news ... I'm in Kansas. It turns out I can drive and not kill people.

I like dressing boys. I also like Buckle. A LOT.

I also like my boyfriend. A LOT.

I now own an I <3 NY shirt. Cheesy, yes. Awesome, yes.

One more week of sweet, sweet school-free freedom.

Turns out, Tuesdays and Thursdays will suck majorly this semester. However, I have MWF free. From classes, at least.

I hope I make it through the Ph.D. program. It is pretty cool.

Life is weird. I miss something. I'm not sure what. Just ... something. Maybe it's just the idea of home. And a sense of familiarity that doesn't suck ass.

I'm reading a book called "Kabul Beauty School." If I lived in Afghanistan, my life as a woman would suck a lot more.

One day, when I grow up, I wanna live in a two-story house with an oversized bathtub and a library with a window seat that glows orange at the end of the afternoon. I want to get married in a big cathedral-style church with a cathedral-style gown and have a reception at a place with amazing food, a live band and a view. I want to travel and see EVERYTHING. These things I allow myself to dream these days. That is an advancement over this time last year.

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Subject:	Ginormous Hatred
Time:	7:39 pm.
Mood:	drained.

I've been very busy and quite content the last few months, so I haven't had much time to think about life or things. No dwelling. Being at home always puts me in a fabulous mood ... and gives me the opportunity to do this. That's why I'm going back -- and by back I mean to Kansas -- tomorrow.

But being here the last few days and talking to people I haven't talked to much in the last six months has made me realize how much I dislike my ex. He is not a nice person. I don't get why people think he's so freaking great. Nice people don't say the things he did to me. Nice people don't call you drunk, act like your friend, and then treat you like crap later. Nice people don't let you cry and make you feel stupid for doing so. He is not a nice person. I really, really do not like him.

It is not even the loss of a relationship I am angry about at this point. It is being here, in reflection, that I am angry about how I was treated.

"Karma is a bitch," you bastard? Well karma is going to kick you in your nonexistent nuts one day. Oh boohoo. I went to Missouri. Grow the fuck up. Life doesn't work out like you want it sometimes. The thing people don't get is HE TOLD ME TO GO. That's what I don't get. Why do people feel sorry for him? And he apologized to my grandparents for upsetting them? Who the fuck does that? That is so fucking weird.

It's easy to be a decent person when things are going well for you. Your character kicks in when you don't get your way in life. Holding him to this, he has little to no character.

I am going to reserve the rest of my comments that I typed out but have now deleted. I also realize that it is a shitty thing to vent about people online, but I need/want somewhere to channel this anger.

I realize this is a six-month delayed venting. Sometimes that happens.

That is all I have to say about that.

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Subject:	January's always bitter ...
Time:	8:45 pm.

New York was amazing. Magical even.

Now I'm back in Texas. It kinda sucks. I don't feel like there's much left for me here. Except Piranha. And my brother. I don't think I'm ever going to live here again.

Had dinner with an old friend earlier. It made me sad.

I'm going to leave to go to Kansas on Saturday. I miss my boyfriend, and I'm tired of being here.

I feel like I'm coming down with something.

My brother got into UTA. He received his acceptance letter yesterday. I'm so proud of him. We went and got him set up mostly today. Got to finish a few things tomorrow.

He wants to be an English teacher. I think he would be fabulous at that.

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Subject:	2008
Time:	11:29 am.
Mood:	thoughtful.
Music:	Free Fallin' -- John Mayer edition.

I am sitting in an apartment with a price tag more expensive than I care to speculate on, overlooking Central Park watching it begin to snow. It is New Years Eve and I am in New York City. One more line to scratch off of my "Things to Do Before I Die" list.

My stomach has been hurting all morning, though, and I left my medicine in Wichita. I'm hoping I'm not getting the stomach flu. That would suck.

I hung out with my boyfriend's mom last night. She lives in the city, and he's not here yet because of work delays. She is fabulous. It is awesome when the moms of boys you are dating are nice.

Ok, so some sentimental reflections:

2008 = thesis; doctoral program interviews; picking Missouri (and Missouri picking me!); summer at home; getting master's degree and graduation in Lubbock; buying new car!; moving to another state; making great new friends; throwing my first bridal shower; travels between Texas and North Carolina, Missouri, Montreal, San Francisco, and New York; new boyfriend; straight A's first semester; happy -- happy -- happy!!!

Lotsa stress, but lotsa good. Thanking God and the wonderful people who have touched my life for a great year.

On to 2009.

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Subject:	I am staring at a giant map of the United States ...
Time:	4:05 pm.
Mood:	numb.

I don't think about where Missouri is on the map a lot. The thing I've found recently is a) Distance doesn't feel so bad when you're happy and b) Not home is not home, no matter where you are.

But seriously ... I live far away these days. Looking on the map at the distance between Dallas and Columbia, I'm like ... damn.

My life has changed a lot in the last six months.

There's a line in a song that says "for every heart you break, you pay a price." Hrm.

Rosario and I had a come to Jesus last night. It kinda hurt me. But was likely a good reality check. I'm lucky to have such an honest best friend.

Things are still good and I'm still happy. I'm just reflecting on the pain I've caused others a result a little more. I didn't mean to. I truly am just so happy to finally be happy. With school and friends and family and life. And mostly me. It has been a long road and for so long, I was just exhausted. Now I'm not, and that feels good.

I am so very deeply sorry about Brandon. I am so very deeply sorry that I hurt such a decent person to the point where he became so angry and so mean. I'm sorry for any wrongdoing I did that caused that. I am really sorry that life works out like that sometimes. I miss him in my life pretty much every day. He was a big part of it for so long, and regardless of how much I like how things are now, losing someone like that does not go easily.

I am grateful I made the choices I did, though. They were the right ones for me. I deserve to be happy, and I am.

That doesn't mean my heart still doesn't ache for the people and things I left behind.

That is all I have to say about that.

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Subject:	Because I'm bored
Time:	8:25 pm.
Mood:	amused.

Do you have anything that belongs to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
I think I still have Brandon's apartment key.

Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
No, I am enjoying it.

When was the last time someone called you baby?
Um, today, but it was my Mammaw.

Who was the last person you had an argument with?
I had a "debate" with Joe last night, but we weren't arguing. And I think my brother is pissed at me.

When was the last time you were really confused?
Um, pretty much anytime I'm in my car.

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
You have no idea.

Do you have nice eyes?
Maybe?

Whose birthday is coming up?
My brother's!!!

Were you happy when you woke up?
Yes. I was at a cute boy's house.

Who was the last person that called you?
Granny.

What is one emotion you are feeling right now?
The kind where I scrunch my nose, but in a good way.

What are you currently doing besides this?
Listening to jazz.

Who are you missing?
My family.

What's the last thing you ate?
This amazing chicken that Joe made for me. And rice with soy sauce.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
Several.

How has this week been?
Good. And there was snow!

When is the last time you took a nap?
I fell asleep on the couch for a little while yesterday.

Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Pretty much.

When was the last time you were sick?
Does broken count?

If your friends warn you about someone, do you listen?
I listen. I listened a lot about the last person they warned me about. It just didn't take, well, until it did.

When you say you don't care, do you mean it?
Almost never.

Do you have a lot of change in your room?
In my purse.

What upset you the most today?
Nothing realy.

Who will always tell it to you like it is, no matter if it's going to hurt or not?
Rosario. She's pretty got a no-holding-back policy.

Are you talking to anyone right now?
Nope.

Are you mad at anyone right now?
Nope.

What are you listening to right now?
Dancing Under the Apple Tree.

How do you feel about your ex?
I feel sad that it ended the way it did. He was a really decent human being.

Do you think you will get married in the next 10 years?
Gawd, I hope so.

Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
No, but I'm pretty sure he knows some of mine.

Last time you were on the phone?.
Talking to Andy about four hours ago.

Do you watch "TheHills"?
Hell no.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
Nope, it makes me happy.

Are you any different now than you were a year ago?
I think a lot different, actually.

Are you taller than your parents?
About the same.

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Subject:	Snowed in ... in Kansas ...
Time:	11:01 am.
Mood:	cold.
Music:	Snow..

At least it's with a really cute Italian boy. :)

If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
crock pot.

2.

Did you ever swallow a coin?
not to my recollection.

3.

What was the worst gift you've ever received?
Um ... when Dabid went to Washington a trillion years ago he bought me this cardinal necklace. It was really sweet ... we were 12 ... but seriously the most hideous thing ever. I still have it somewhere, too.

4.

What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
Three words: Ryan. IHOP. Band.

5.

How many kids do you want?
2-3 would suffice. 4 is enough.

6.

Whats your moms middle name?
Ray

7.

Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
No, but it sounds fun.

8.

Worst car you ever had to drive and why?
My old one, because I ran it into a dumpster.

9.

who do you hate?
Stuck up people.

10.

what do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
By year, I'm going to assume you mean academic year. I'm hoping I'll be one-third of the way through a Ph.D. program.

11.

do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
The better question would be, which one of them is not crazy?

12.

Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
That stuff is badass. But it's never literally made me unable to move. Though after taking it, I usually don't want to.

13.

Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
No. Just like it's snowing outside.

14.

Did you own a Lite-Brite?
OMG, badass. Yes.

15.

Can you dive?
Oh, at first I thought that said "drive." Which would be a no, and a no.

16.

Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
Um ... my flute has a mouthpiece.

18.

Have you ever used a pogo stick?
No, but I used to have those Nickelodeon moon shoes.

19.

Who was the most creative bum you've ever met, trying to get some money from you?
That's really sad. I'm not answering that.

20.

Whats your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
orange.

21.

favorite food you CRAVEEE?
Chicken and wild rice soup in a bread bowl from Panera. And cheese. And mashed potatoes.

22.

When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
That's icky.

23.

Did you ever use someone else's toothbrush?
By accident, I think I took Mammaw's last time I was home. It was the same color as mine.

24.

Do you REALLY floss everyday?
not everyday, no.

25.

what is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Clinique Happy.

26.

If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
Probably not. Didn't you see what happened to that kid in "A Christmas Story?"

27.

What's the largest living organism that you killed?
Other than the 10 people I've run over with my car and the girls I light on fire with Rosario? Meh.

28.

Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
Um ... no.

29.

What's the best toy you've ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
OMG Olympic Barbie.

30.

if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
Actually, this is really nice. But I feel bad that Joe didn't get home to see his Pappaw in the hospital.

31.

Can you juggle?
I can barely walk.

32.

how do you feel right now?
Cold.

33.

Do you remember that square candy bar called "Chunky"?
No.

34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
Who is that?

35.

What was your favorite toy as a kid?
Talking Teddy Rupskin.

36.

are you willing to go the distance?
When I've had enough sleep.

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Subject:	Really, really in like ...
Time:	1:07 am.
Mood:	yay!.
Music:	sex and media effects in my head ....

There is this boy. We have been friends for a really long time. We went to UTA together and used to study for Spanish class with a mutual friend. Though both of us have mostly lost touch with the mutual friend, we stayed in touch all these years. We'd have sushi when one of us was in town. Now he lives in Kansas and I live in Missouri.

Many years and one boyfriend ago, I had a crush on him. But over time we became friends -- the crush faded and he was just this really great guy I'd occasionally have dinner with and talk with on AIM. Anyhow, fast-forward to August. He came to visit me in Missouri one weekend and we had this amazing time. Like AMAZING just talking and eating and having wine. He was out of the country with the Air Force for a few months after that, but we talked like every day. I started thinking about him again a little. Fast forward more to Thanksgiving. We went on a date, and spent the Thanksgiving break together.

Anyway, we are like ... the grown up version of going out. Whatever that means. He is fabulous. Seriously. Fabulous. I wish everyone could know him. He is the kind of person who inspires you just by knowing him. I am the happiest girl that I've been in a very long time.

And on top of that, life is currently pretty much perfect. So this just adds to it.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share that. I don't usually talk too much about my personal-personal life online, but some things are hard to keep to yourself. People say I'm glowing. I think I am.

Further ... I am only a few pages and a reference list away from being done with my first semester as a Ph.D. student. Yay, me!

My friend Erin believes in fate. I dunno about that. I believe in something between fate and free will. But that something is seeming pretty miraculous at this place and time.

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